Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
