What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
