about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
