I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
