I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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