you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Soap is not a condiment
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
