i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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