At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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