you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
