Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
