had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
