what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
