So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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