Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
