He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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