The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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