I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
