The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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