Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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