i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
