Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
