remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
