so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
