So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
