I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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