Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
