he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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