if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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