I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
