who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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