she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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