I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
