The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
