My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
