sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
