So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
