No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
