To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
