i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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