i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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