yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
