Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
