we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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