saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
