i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
