That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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