You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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