babies were throwing up all over the place
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
