My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
