this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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