Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
