im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
