Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
