I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
